David Tanny Lyrics Server
Editor: David Tanny
Navimate! Use this handy menu bar to navigate within this section.
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Websites | Dave's Fun Stuff | Ladies | DFSX Radio | David Tanny CDs | Contact | Music Sites | TV Sites | Amazon | Donate $1 | Advertise | HD Radio | rtdb | SDN Sections | SDN News |
Navimate! Use this handy menu bar to navigate within this section.
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Dope Deal or No Dope DealMaury: And now it's time for everybody's favorite daytime fun show,Dope Deal or No Dope Deal! Hi, I'm your host, Maury Warner. This is a game show where one lucky contestant can win anywhere from one to a thousand joints! Yes. My first contestant today is Tom Bitchin, the son of another famous contestant, Bob Bitchin, who was once a contestant on Let's Make a Dope Deal over 30 years ago. Come on down, Tom! Tom: Hi, Mr. Warner. Maury: You can call me Maury, Tom. Tom: OK. Maury: How are you doing, Tom? Tom: Bitchin! Maury: Yes, good to hear that. What have you been doing with your life, Tom? Tom: I graduated from Harvard. Maury: Alright, Tom. What are now doing with all the education you had at Harvard? Tom: Making igloos for the eskimos. Maury: Makin' igloos. Sounds like a cool job, Tom. Tom: What? Maury: Nevermind, Tom. We're ready to play Dope Deal or No Dope Deal. Tom: Where's my thousand joints? Did I win already? Maury: No, you didn't win anything yet, Tom. Tom: Oh. Maury: What we have here on display are seven suitcases. Tom: They're in one of those cases? Maury: We have joints in each of the suitcases in varying amounts, Tom, ranging from one joint to a thousand joints. Tom: Hey, how come there aren't any hot female models holding the briefcases? Maury: Because our producer David Tanny is a hard ass cheapskate, so we have a small budget. Tom: Is that how you can afford to give away a thousand joints? Maury: If Cheech Marin bankrolled this production, then we could afford a million-joint briefcase. Tom: I see. Maury: OK, Tom. Are you ready to play Dope Deal or No Dope Deal? Tom: Yes. Maury: Alright. Now just pick one of the briefcases sitting on the display. Tom: Uh, number three. Maury: Number three. Alright. Let's take that briefcase and put it on my podium. Tom: Alright, man. Let's see what I won. Maury: Not yet, Tom. We have to open the other briefcases you didn't choose from. Tom: Why? Maury: So we will know what's not inside this briefcase you picked. Tom: OK. Maury: Why did you pick briefcase #3, Tom? Tom: Because I can't get by on two, Maury. Maury: I don't understand your logic, Tom, but go ahead and pick two briefcases. Tom: Do I win what I pick? Maury: No, Tom, you don't win what you pick. Tom: So let's save same time and open the #3 briefcase. Maury: Because it's the networks' way of stretching the suspense just to sell more advertisements. Tom: Oh. Maury: OK. Pick a briefcase. Tom: Number six. Maury: OK. I'll open up briefcase #6 to see what you didn't win.... ...10 joints! Maury: Alright, that's 10 joints you didn't win. Tom: What is that good? Maury: Because your #3 briefcase could still have a thousand joints inside. Tom: Oh. Maury: Now, you want to pick the briefcases with the lowest amounts of joints. Tom: Why? Maury: I'll tell you as soon as you open another briefcase. Tom: Uh, number four. Maury: Number four. Okay. Let me open briefcase #4 and see what you did not win... ...50 joints. Tom: Is that good? Maury: Still is. On the board, you picked off the 10 and 50 joint amounts. We have the 1, 5, 100, 500, and 1000 joint amounts remaining, so you have a 3/5 chance that you have at least 100 joints inside that briefcase. Tom: That's cool. Maury: Sure is (phone rings). Ooh. I gotta answer that. Tom: A phone in a game show? Maury: Hang on a minute. (picks up the phone) Hello? Tom: Is this the FBI? Maury: OK. I'll tell him. (hangs up) Tom: Are we busted? Maury: No, we're still cool. Tom: Huh? Maury: It's our dope dealer on the phone, and he wants to buy our briefcase. Tom: Why? Maury: Because he thinks that you may have a lot of joints, he's making you an offer. Tom: For how much? Maury: 320 joints. Tom: Wow. Maury: That's 320 joints, and it can be yours if you press this red button and accept this deal. Tom: Do I still win a thousand joints? Maury: No way, Tom. You get just the 320 joints. Tom: Oh. Maury: Now, I have to ask you this simple question. Dope Deal or No Dope Deal. Tom: Uh, uh, hmmm...no dope deal. Maury: He says No Dope Deal! Alright, Tom! Now the 320 joint offer has been rescinded. Tom: Can he make me another offer? Maury: He will when you open up one more briefcase. Tom: Uh, I need to do a number two. Maury: Number two briefcase? Tom: No, I need to do a number two. Maury: What are you talking about? Tom: I need to make a doo doo! Maury: Huh. What? What? Huh? Um. OK. Just get into the restroom and do a number two, while we take a commercial break. We'll be right back right after this word from one of our sponsors. BREAK Maury: And welcome back to Dope Deal or No Dope Deal. I'm your host Maury Warner. Tom has just returned from dropping a stool. Tom: I just gave birth to a ten-pounder. Maury: Wow, Tom. That must have been big. Tom: It was bigger than the bigest joint I ever rolled. Maury: We'll, let's get back to the game. Tom: Alright. Maury: When we left off, you were going to pick a briefcase. Tom: I did? Maury: Yes. Now, let's pick a briefcase that has only one or five joints in it. Which one do you pick? Tom: What's left to pick? Maury: #1, #2, #5, and #7. Tom: Uh, uh, umm. Let's do a #2. Maury: You just did a #2, Tom. Tom: Not that man. #2. Maury: Oh, you mean briefcase #2. Tom: Right on. Maury: OK. Let's open the briefcase and see what is not in your briefcase... ...500 joints. Maury: Oh, no, man. Tom: Bummer. Maury: That isn't what you wanted to pick. Tom: I'll take the 320 joints, man. Maury: It's too late, Tom. The next deal the dope dealer is going to make for you will be down. Tom: How much down? (phone rings) Maury: Hang on a minute. (picks up the phone) Hello? How much? OK. I'll tell him (hangs up) Tom: What's his offer this time? Maury: It went down. Tom: How down? Maury: 276 joints. Tom: Wow. Far out. Maury: You still have the 100 and 1000 joint amounts up to keep your offer high, but now, you have a 50/50 chance that you will have at least 100 joints. Tom: Groovy, man. Maury: Yes. Now press the buzzer if you accept this dope deal. Tom: Um. Should I accept this deal? Maury: I gotta ask you this question. Dope Deal or No Dope Deal? Tom: Um. uh, hmmm. #1. Maury: No, Tom, we're not picking another briefcase yet. Tom: #1. Maury: Read my lips, Tom. Dope Deal or No Dope Deal. Tom: #1. I gotta do a #1. Maury: Oh, man, ah, geez, OK. Go back to the restroom again and hurry up, man. Tom: I'm off to the can, man. Maury: Geez, it's the second time today. OK. We're going to take another break and then be back for more of Dope Deal or No Dope Deal. BREAK Maury: And we're back with more of Dope Deal or No Dope Deal Tom: Yes. No Dope Deal. Maury: That's Dope Deal or No Dope Deal. Tom: I know. No Dope Deal. Maury: Wait. You don't want the 276 joints that the dope dealer is offering. Tom: That's right. Maury: Alright. Tom is turning down the 276 joints. Tom: I want the 1000 joints. Maury: So does everybody, but let's pick one more briefcase before we get another offer from the dope dealer. Tom: Um. #7. Maury: #7. Lucky #7? Tom: Yea, man. I hope there's one joint in there. Maury: OK. Let me open up briefcase #7 and see what's inside... ...5 joints! Tom: Yea! Maury: Good work, Tom. Now you have a 2/3 chance of having at least 100 joints. Tom: I hope so. Maury: Or a 1/3 chance that you hve only one joint in the #3 briefcase that you chose. Tom: Oh no. Maury: You have the 1, 100, and 1000 joint amounts remaining. (phone) Maury: Hold on, Tom. (picks up the phone) Maury: Hello? Sure. I'll let him know. (hangs up) Tom: What's the dealer offering? Maury: You're not going to believe this, but, the dealer is panicking. Tom: Groovy. What's his offer? Maury: 550 joints! Tom: Yea. Maury: And 550 joints can be yours if you accept this dope deal. Tom: I'm really smoking, man. Maury: You will be if you take this deal. Dope Deal or No Dope Deal. Tom: Um... No deal. Maury: He says no dope deal! What balls you have, Tom! Tom: Yea, man, just like my dad. Maury: Well, you need to pick one more briefcase before the dope dealer makes another offer. Pick #1 or #5, Tom. Tom: #3. Maury: No, Tom. we can't open #3 yet. That's the one you have. Tom: #3. Maury: You're not listening to me, Tom. Listen. #1 or #5? Tom: #3. I gotta do a #3. Maury: Wait a minute, Tom. What the hell is a #3? Tom: My own joint is bigger than the stool I created a while ago. Maury: Huh? Tom: I gotta make my own gravy, man! Maury: Oh, man, that's the third time today. Tom: I was thinking about Jessica Alba during the show. Maury: I didn't know it was called a #3. Tom: I just figured that it would be a #3. Maury: OK, Tom. Go back to the restroom one more time and finish yourself off. Tom: Later, man. Maury: Damn, well, let's have another commercial and we'll be back with more of Dope Deal or No Dope Deal BREAK Maury: And once again, we're back with more of Dope Deal or No Dope Deal. Tom: Yawn. I feel sleepy. Maury: C'mon, man. You gotta stay awake. Tom: I gotta do a line. Maury: No, Tom, we're not snorting some coke, yet. You gotta choose another briefcase. Tom: A line! Maury: Tom, we're playing a game on TV. Tom: I want number line! Maury: Oh. I see. You mean you want the briefcase with a line on it. A vertical line. Tom: Yea. Maury: That's a 1, Tom. Tom: It is? Wow. I didn't know that. Maury: So you want to do a #1, Tom? Tom: No, I don't need to go to the can. Maury: Not that, Tom. I mean open briefcase number line! Tom: Yea. Maury: OK. I'll open briefcase number line and see what you didn't win... ....1000 joints. Maury: Oh no. Not 1000 joints. Tom: Oh, bummer, man. What a crash. Maury: That's the one you didn't want to pick. Tom: I thought it was what I wanted. Maury: No, man this game is hard to explain. Tom: Let's play something else. Maury: We can't. We gotta finish this one. Tom: Oh, yea. Maury: I was hoping that the #3 briefcase you picked had the 1000 joint amount, but since #1 had 1000, you have either 1 or 100 joints in the #3 case. Tom: Man, you're smart. You should host a real game show. Maury: This is a real game show, Tom. Tom: Oh. I still need to do a line, man. Maury: Not yet, Tom. (phone rings) Maury: I gotta answer the phone again. (picks up the phone) Maury: Hello? OK. I'll tell him. (hangs up the phone) Tom: What's the offer? Maury: The offer really dropped this time. Tom: How much? Maury: The new offer from the dope deal is... ...50 joints. Tom: Oh, bummer, man. I should have taken the 550 joints. Maury: How could you lose 500 joints like that, Tom? Tom: I'm not sure what to do, man. Maury: Well, Tom, this is your final offer. Dope Deal or... (phone rings) Tom: Again? Maury: Hang on. (picks up the phone) Maury: Hello? OK. (hangs up) Tom: What's going on? Maury: The dope dealer has given you another choice. Tom: Say what? Maury: He says you can either...take what's in briefcase #3, take the 50 joint offer, or trade the briefcase for what's behind door number one! Tom: You're kidding, Monty. Maury: That's Maury, Tom. Tom: Sorry. Wrong game show host. Maury: Now door #1 could possibly be anything from 1,000 joints to... Tom: I'll take door #1, Maury. Maury: to an FBI agent! Tom: I'll take the 50 joints. Maury: No, you already made your choice. Tom: No, man. Maury: Let's see what's behind door #1? ....Officer Parker from the FBI. You're busted! Tom: Where's the 1,000 joints. Maury: No, man, that's the game. You've been zonked. Tom: 50 joints? Maury: No joints, I'm sorry, you're going to prison, Tom. Tom: Dad! Dad! Maury: I'm sorry, Tom. I guess I'll be seeing you in five years. Tom: Help me, dad! Maury: Well, that's all the time we have, but before we go, let's see whether you made a good deal or not by opening briefcase #3. Tom: A get out of jail free card. Maury: One joint. You turned down one joint for five years in prison. You made a very bad dope deal. Tom: Oh man, I want that joint. Maury: You'll get one in five years when you get out of prison and once again play another edition of Dope Deal or No Dope Deal. Solong! |
Sections
Downloadable MP3s
Amazon.com® Best Selling: |
