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Fantasy Peninsula

Fantasy Peninsula

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And now, Cheap Radio Theater modestly presents
Fantasy Peninsula!

I'm your host, Mr. Poarke. (pron pork)

Today, we have a middle-aged man
whose fantasy is to go back to the year 1976
and be a 17 year old boy again so he can
watch network daytime and prime time TV
shows again.

He says that today's TV is unwatchable
because of all the women shows and that he can't find
anything worthwhile for him to watch.

His name? Jason Garrett. He's just arriving to
Fantasy Peninsula via Smart Car and is walking towards
me and Taboo, my assistant.

I will begin this sketch by greeting Jason.

Mr. Pork greets Jason. Smiles, everybody, smiles.

So Jason, are you ready for your fantasy?

Well, yes.

First, I need your cell phone because in 1976,
cell phones weren't invented yet.

Well, OK. Here you go.

And I have to give you a minor's drivers license
because you won't be old enough to smoke or drink.

Are there any questions?

Well, no. I think I have everything covered.

Well then, step into the time transport
machine and it will take you back to 1976
as a 17 year old teenager.

Well, OK. Here I go.

The time machine transports him to 1976
and transforms him to an 17 year old boy.
He's been transported to his old house and family
with a young 13 year old brother and his 20 year
old brother.

His divorced dad, not deceased back then, confronts him.

Well, Jason, you did well in school again.

Well, yea I did, dad.

Now then, son, are you ready for some TV?

Yes! What's on tonight?

It's Wednesday. Your favorite TV lady is on.

Lindsay Loha....um....Wagner?

Right. It's The Bionic Woman, followed by
Baretta and Charlie's Angels. It all begins
tonight at 8, 7 central time, on ABC.

Oh boy! Great prime time TV.

Thursday morning, dad tells the boys that
the teachers are on strike and they can't go to
school, so it's TV day.

Game shows. Yay!

They turn on the TV and watched the $10,000 Pyramid, Price is Right,
Family Feud, Match Game '76, reurns of sitcoms,
Popeye, Bugs Bunny, Flintstones, and more.

It's Thursday night. Welcome Back Kotter.
What's Happening. Barney Miller. And more!

Friday morning. Jason tried to text and take pictures
with a land line phone.
His older brother asks him what he's doing and calls him crazy.

Jason asks his dad if he can use the computer to surf
the Internet. Dad doesn't understand what Jason is talking
about as there was no Internet in a public sense yet.
His dad tells Jason that he's not making any sense and doesn't
own a computer.

Jason wants to know where a computer is.

His dad takes him to a state university where a big computer
resides, and asks the proprietor to show him the computer.

Professor Allan takes Jason and Dad to the super computer
building on the campus.
He opens up the door and shows them in.

Allen tells them that the whole building is the campus computer.

Jason asks Allen if he can surf the Internet.

Allen, pretending to know what Jason is talking about,
asks why.

Jason said that's so he can go to Myspace and post a blog,
download some music, and send some e-mail.

Allen tells Jason that he can do all that right now.

Allen takes Jason to a space outside the building
and tells him that it's your space. Now here are the Post-it
notes, a radio for some music, and stationery to send mail.

Jason is perplexed. Jason asks Allen if he doesn't know
what Jason is talking about.

Allen tells Jason that he has a lot of bright ideas, but nothing
like what he said has been invented yet.

Allen thanks Jason and Dad and shows them out.

Jason writes some stuff on the Post-it notes and then
wonders where he's going to post it since there's no
blogosphere space invention in 1976.

Jason turns on the radio and hears some awful top 40 songs.

Jason has a lot of stationery, but no money to send 1000 letters
to his friends.

It's Friday night TV. The Muppets. Donny and Marie.
Rockford Files.

Saturday Morning. They watch Scooby Doo and Dyno Mutt,
Krofft Supershow, MisterJaw, and Bugs Bunny-Road Runner.

Despite the fact that he couldn't surf the Internet
because there was no Internet yet, Jason was still having some
kind of fun, but on Saturday night,
Jason hit a major roadblock in prime-time TV.
Holmes and Yoyo, followed by Mr. T and Tina.

Jason says that with TV shows that bad, it was the beginning
of the end of prime-time TV. Jason has gotten bored.
He had nothing to watch on TV. No Internet.
Too young to smoke or drink. Being a 17 year old teenager
in 1976 on a Saturday night really sucked big time.

Mr. Pork entered the living room and spoke to Jason.

Mr. Pork asks Jason,
"Well, have you had enough of your fantasy?"

Jason says, "Prime time TV six nights a week
was great, but there's no Internet, radio music sucks,
I can't write letters to newspapers,
can't text, can't listen to the radio my way, can't shoot
pictures with a phone, can't write letters to 1000 friends
without postage, didn't have my own space, and that high school
sucked because I was unpopular."

Pork tells Jason, "Well then, I guess that your fantasy is over.
Let's go back to the year 2009 and be an adult again."

Jason says, "Yes. Get me out of here!"

He snaps his fingers and he's back as an adult age 49 in the year 2009.

Mr. Pork says "Well, Jason, I hope you learned your lesson.
You see? Losers are losers in 1976, but Internet geek superstars on the Internet
in 2009."

Jason says, "Ain't it the truth."

Mr. Pork bids Jason farewell.

And that's the end of Fantasy Peninsula,
modestly presented by Cheap Radio Theater.