David Tanny Comedy and Dementia MP3s and CDs

Dope Deal or No Dope Deal Part 1

Dope Deal or No Dope Deal Part 1

Maury: And now it's time for everybody's favorite daytime fun show,
Dope Deal or No Dope Deal!
Hi, I'm your host, Maury Warner. This is a game show where one
lucky contestant can win anywhere from one to a thousand joints!
Yes.
My first contestant today is Tom Bitchin, the son of another famous
contestant, Bob Bitchin, who was once a contestant on Let's Make
a Dope Deal over 30 years ago. Come on down, Tom!

Tom: Hi, Mr. Warner.

Maury: You can call me Maury, Tom.

Tom: OK.

Maury: How are you doing, Tom?

Tom: Bitchin!

Maury: Yes, good to hear that. What have you been doing with your
life, Tom?

Tom: I graduated from Harvard.

Maury: Alright, Tom. What are now doing with all the education
you had at Harvard?

Tom: Making igloos for the eskimos.

Maury: Makin' igloos. Sounds like a cool job, Tom.

Tom: What?

Maury: Nevermind, Tom. We're ready to play Dope Deal or No Dope Deal.

Tom: Where's my thousand joints? Did I win already?

Maury: No, you didn't win anything yet, Tom.

Tom: Oh.

Maury: What we have here on display are seven suitcases.

Tom: They're in one of those cases?

Maury: We have joints in each of the suitcases in varying
amounts, Tom, ranging from one joint to a thousand joints.

Tom: Hey, how come there aren't any hot female models holding
the briefcases?

Maury: Because our producer David Tanny is a hard ass cheapskate,
so we have a small budget.

Tom: Is that how you can afford to give away a thousand joints?

Maury: If Cheech Marin bankrolled this production, then we could
afford a million-joint briefcase.

Tom: I see.

Maury: OK, Tom. Are you ready to play Dope Deal or No Dope Deal?

Tom: Yes.

Maury: Alright. Now just pick one of the briefcases sitting on the display.

Tom: Uh, number three.

Maury: Number three. Alright. Let's take that briefcase and put it
on my podium.

Tom: Alright, man. Let's see what I won.

Maury: Not yet, Tom. We have to open the other briefcases you didn't
choose from.

Tom: Why?

Maury: So we will know what's not inside this briefcase you picked.

Tom: OK.

Maury: Why did you pick briefcase #3, Tom?

Tom: Because I can't get by on two, Maury.

Maury: I don't understand your logic, Tom, but go ahead and pick two
briefcases.

Tom: Do I win what I pick?

Maury: No, Tom, you don't win what you pick.

Tom: So let's save same time and open the #3 briefcase.

Maury: Because it's the networks' way of stretching the
suspense just to sell more advertisements.

Tom: Oh.

Maury: OK. Pick a briefcase.

Tom: Number six.

Maury: OK. I'll open up briefcase #6 to see what you didn't win....

...10 joints!

Maury: Alright, that's 10 joints you didn't win.

Tom: What is that good?

Maury: Because your #3 briefcase could still have a thousand
joints inside.

Tom: Oh.

Maury: Now, you want to pick the briefcases with the lowest
amounts of joints.

Tom: Why?

Maury: I'll tell you as soon as you open another briefcase.

Tom: Uh, number four.

Maury: Number four. Okay. Let me open briefcase #4 and see
what you did not win...

...50 joints.

Tom: Is that good?

Maury: Still is. On the board, you picked off the 10 and 50
joint amounts. We have the 1, 5, 100, 500, and 1000 joint
amounts remaining, so you have a 3/5 chance that you have at
least 100 joints inside that briefcase.

Tom: That's cool.

Maury: Sure is (phone rings). Ooh. I gotta answer that.

Tom: A phone in a game show?

Maury: Hang on a minute. (picks up the phone) Hello?

Tom: Is this the FBI?

Maury: OK. I'll tell him. (hangs up)

Tom: Are we busted?

Maury: No, we're still cool.

Tom: Huh?

Maury: It's our dope dealer on the phone, and he wants to
buy our briefcase.

Tom: Why?

Maury: Because he thinks that you may have a lot of
joints, he's making you an offer.

Tom: For how much?

Maury: 320 joints.

Tom: Wow.

Maury: That's 320 joints, and it can be yours if you press
this red button and accept this deal.

Tom: Do I still win a thousand joints?

Maury: No way, Tom. You get just the 320 joints.

Tom: Oh.

Maury: Now, I have to ask you this simple question.
Dope Deal or No Dope Deal.

Tom: Uh, uh, hmmm...no dope deal.

Maury: He says No Dope Deal! Alright, Tom!
Now the 320 joint offer has been rescinded.

Tom: Can he make me another offer?

Maury: He will when you open up one more briefcase.

Tom: Uh, I need to do a number two.

Maury: Number two briefcase?

Tom: No, I need to do a number two.

Maury: What are you talking about?

Tom: I need to make a doo doo!

Maury: Huh. What? What? Huh? Um. OK. Just get into the restroom
and do a number two, while we take a commercial break.
We'll be right back right after this word from
one of our sponsors.


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